Hilary Phelps on Alcohol Addiction and Recovery: 10 Lessons Learned in 18 Years of Sobriety

3. The Unspoken Language of Pain

Phelps’s struggles with depression and self-harm at a young age were an attempt to communicate a pain she couldn’t express. She cut herself “because I thought, I think I, I wanted attention, and I didn’t know how else to get it, and I didn’t know how to say like, I’m struggling and I need help.”

Mental health was not a widely discussed topic at the time, and her parents, navigating their own struggles with a divorce, dismissed her pleas for help as a “phase.” This lack of understanding left her feeling isolated, with her internal turmoil manifesting in external behaviors. The pain she was trying to articulate went unnoticed and was simply attributed to her parents’ divorce.

“Because no matter what is going through or where you sit, like socioeconomic status and stuff, like a 14-year-old can be going through things outside of like their parents’ experience,” said Baynard. This highlights a crucial point: a child’s pain is their own, regardless of their family’s circumstances.

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4. The Mask of an “I Don’t Care” Attitude

As Phelps’s addiction progressed, she developed a new persona. The competitive, driven athlete was replaced by someone who didn’t seem to care about anything. This shift was a coping mechanism to avoid facing the reality of her addiction.

“I became somebody I wasn’t, I became someone that wasn’t innate to who I am,” she explained. “And what I mean by that is I became that like, I don’t care. You win today. Like, I don’t care. And I did though. And I feel like that starts to tip away at my soul, at my identity, at who I am. And that feels really bad too. I’m trying to fit into a narrative or being somebody that I’m not in order to keep this addiction.”

This performative indifference was a defense mechanism, a way to protect her addiction by feigning a lack of interest in the things she once loved. It was easier to pretend she didn’t care than to admit she was losing control.

5. The Deceptive Nature of “High-Functioning” Addiction

Phelps’s story is a powerful example of how addiction can hide in plain sight. Despite her substance use, she maintained a college scholarship, continued to swim, and even held a job after graduation. This “high-functioning” facade made it difficult for her and others to see the severity of her problem.

High-functioning addiction is a term used to describe individuals who can maintain their professional and social responsibilities while struggling with substance use disorder. Because these individuals don’t fit the stereotypical image of a person with addiction, their struggles often go unaddressed. They are often well-educated, employed, and have stable families, making their addiction less visible.

For Phelps, this stereotypical image was a barrier to seeking help. She felt she didn’t fit the mold of an alcoholic and could therefore rationalize her behavior. “I’m not drinking before work,” she thought. “I don’t have kids. I’m not that bad.”

6. Understanding Blackout Drinking

A significant part of Phelps’s addiction was blackout drinking, a frightening experience where an individual can seem coherent and functional but has no memory of the events.

“Every time I put alcohol in my body, I’d forget what happened the night before,” she recalled. “I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know what could have happened. And I don’t, and I wake up places, and I didn’t remember how I got there. Physically, that feels really scary. Emotionally, that feels really scary. Knowing I put myself and other people in danger feels really scary.”

Blackouts are not the same as passing out. During a blackout, the brain’s ability to create new memories is temporarily impaired, even though the person is conscious. This phenomenon is a serious indicator of an alcohol use disorder and can lead to dangerous situations, as Phelps’s experience of falling down an escalator attests.

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7. The Power of an Intervention

An unofficial intervention by her college roommates marked a turning point. They confronted her, saying, “You’re acting really bad. We don’t like this version of you.”

“I would be mean to girls that I felt threatened by,” she admitted. “I would get in people’s faces. I would fight girls in bathrooms.” The person they were seeing was not the person they knew. At the time, Phelps’s response was to reject them: “I’ll get new friends.” But their words planted a seed.

An intervention, when done with love and concern, can be a wake-up call. It forces the person with addiction to face the impact of their behavior on the people they love. While Phelps wasn’t ready to change at that moment, the confrontation was a powerful catalyst for her eventual recovery.

8. The Destructive Cycle of Shame

Shame was a central theme in Phelps’s story, both in her active addiction and early recovery. She used alcohol to numb the shame she felt about her behavior. In turn, her actions while drinking created even more shame.

“Shame’s a bitch,” Baynard said. “It’s having to address why I feel so much shame and am I allowed to move past that shame? Am I okay now? Am I better now? Can I release that shame?”

The shame she carried was so heavy that she held onto things from her childhood, like a dog attacking a cat she was holding, for decades. She also worried about people finding out about her past actions. “I hope they get to know me and love me so much that if they do find out all the stupid things I did in my past that they can look past it somehow,” she said.

9. The Importance of Sharing Your Story with the Right Audience

“I remember talking to someone that’s non-recovery and we were, and I was like, oh, and I just started sharing my story and I was like, and this and this and this,” Phelps recalled. “And he was like, oh, oh yeah. Oh. And I’m like, noted, keep these stories for people in recovery or like the rooms or somewhere because some people it’s still not fully understood.”

Phelps found that sharing her story with others in recovery was a crucial part of her healing process. The vulnerability required to speak about her past was met with empathy, not judgment, and it helped her release the shame she had carried for so long.

10. Learning Self-Compassion

“I would never speak to somebody, a stranger, the way I speak to myself,” Phelps said. The journey to long-term recovery is not just about abstaining from substances; it’s about healing the underlying emotional wounds. For Phelps, this meant learning to be kind to herself.

It took years of dedicated work for her to find the same acceptance for herself that she so easily gave to others. She now makes a conscious effort to challenge her negative self-talk. “I have to cognitively say out loud now, good things to try and like outweigh those moments,” she explained.

Conclusion

Hilary Phelps’s journey is a powerful reminder that addiction is a complex disease that can affect anyone. Her story challenges the stereotypes of addiction and highlights the importance of addressing the internal struggles that often fuel substance use. By sharing her experiences, she offers a beacon of hope for others who may be struggling in silence, proving that recovery is not just possible but can lead to a life of authenticity, purpose, and self-compassion.